Friday, November 19, 2010

canser blues

Not sure whats wrong with me lately. I'm extremely crabby Ba hum bug!!!! Great attitude and motivation has left the building. I m struggling more lately with the why me? I've been told its normal. Well normal you SUCK! I try not to bottle it up. I get mad, sad, depressed, numb. I'm having more and more side effects of chemo and they seem to be hanging around longer than before. Unfortunately this is normal. You know how I feel about normal. LOL! :)  I also am probably the only person getting chemo who has continued to get periods. Us girls all know how fun that can be.

So I had a Dr appt today with my oncologist whom I absolutely adore. He always has some cute little thing to say to me when he sees me. Theres my favorite girl, The chemo queen is here, canser babe has arrived. Anyway today I was in no mood for this. I had lots of questions and complaints for him today. Maybe I'm reading and researching to much. I don't know but I'm crabby and I want answers and I want em NOW!!!!  The appt always starts with a blood draw, weight, temp, blood pressure. All was good but my weight. I've gained 5lbs. I'm not gonna say anymore about that. :) 
So next to the exam room. The nurse says do you normally change for him. I quickly just whipped off my shirt and bra and said ok I'm ready. She probably thought I was nuts but this freaking disease has robbed me from everything. Why the hell do I need some ugly ass robe for. Like by having my self covered up is gonna change anything or make this process easier or more comfortable. Forget it! Let's GO.  I don't have time for this. It takes me longer to put the damn thing on than it does for him to do the exam. WOOOOOO I'm crabby. I got this spice to me today. Watch out world! LOL! So anyhow he comes to do the exam. He comments on how wonderful my incisions from the lung surgery look. He asks how I did with the last treatment? A question he probably wished now he never asked. I gave him an ear full on that one. I was right in my thinking about having the break from chemo for the surgery effected me on the last treatment. We are hoping that this next one on Monday will be different. I'm sorry what I meant to say is canser you can kiss my big fat ass and chemo your not gonna bring me down I'm not gonna let you ruin my Thanksgiving!!

Don't know if any of you noticed that I did not capitalize the word canser nor do I even spell it correctly any longer. WHY? It does not deserve any kind of power, respect, attention or recognition from me at all in any way.

Before canser I was kinda voiceless. My common response to questions or decisions was, maybe, sure, I don't know, you decide, whatever you want is fine with me. NOW I can get pretty mouthy. So watch out. LOL! And guess what? I'm learning that its ok to put myself first. Everyone else takes care of number one, so why can't I? Its not selfish!

canser isn't killing me, its just forcing me to change and grow up.

Until next time.


  1. I'm fired up after reading that!!! You tell canser just what you think of it!
    I am so impressed by you..even if you are crabby!
    Have a great weekend, and I will be praying for next week to give you lots to be thankful for!

  2. I second Cara, you are so brave for fighting this and equally as brave for sharing so openly with the rest of us!