Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Chemo #5

Clearly, based on the fact that I have not posted in 12 days, I have been trying to move on with my regularly scheduled life. Its not working all that well. But I try.
 My last chemo got me pretty good. Unfortunately it is accumulative. I normally don't feel well for about 5-7 days after chemo. Where as before it was only 3-4 days. The nose bleeds have become very bad.  My complexion is awful I have no or very little eyebrows and eyelashes.   I WISH  I was saying My energy is great, my health is good, my hair is back. Things are back to "normal".  I'm not quite there yet. But I promise you all when that days comes you'll be the first I share it with. :)

So yesterday was round 5!!! I had that wonderful injection today. You all know how much I love that.  I  was getting soooooo excited to know the end is near but of course I got a few more surprises from the Dr  yesterday. So like I've said before I always start with a blood draw. They want to make sure WBC count is good otherwise they will not have you get treatment. So then on to my exam. So were talking and the Dr is asking me how things are going, do I have my surgery scheduled etc. I tell him I am so excited that I will only have one more after this. He says well we hope it will be the last one. WHAT!? No no no it IS and WILL be the last one. I started to cry all over again. It was like when I heard it for the fist time I was in hysterics. Words can not even express how I have felt over the last 5 months. This stupid disease has robbed so much from me. I've been an mental emotional mess since this has all happened. It has kicked my ass physically although I am here fighting like a girl I will admit I'm just out right exhausted. Financially I don't think I even need to explain or should I say I don''t want to explain it'll just bring me to tears. Being intimate with my DH forget it doesn't happen. Poor guy. I  don't  feel attractive at all in anyway. I have no hair and when I say no hair I mean NONE! Get the picture. I have gained about 15lbs so that doesn't help either. UGH!!!!!!!!!! So anyway back to him telling me it may not be the last chemo. He explained that I will have my next chemo Jan 3rd. I will then continue to come every 3 wks for herceptin for a year and I will see him every 6 wks. Most likely my surgery will be at the end of January. The surgery will confirm two things radiation and a possibly another round of chemo on top of the herceptin. TEARS TEARS TEARS TEARS. I just wanted an end to this. There WAS  light at the end of the tunnel. I want to put this all behind me and never think about it again.
Ya know they say God gives you only what you can handle. Well..... I'm not sure how much he thinks I can handle but I am just about spent!!! The thought of having to do this all again just does not sit well with me. If they end up saying I need a whole another round/set of chemo they'll have to save it for someone else cause I'm DONE. canser  I hate you. You picked the wrong chick!!
Oh and if  that wasn't enough my WBC count dropped by more than half from last time. So I have to be extremely careful. So all you sick peps stay away!!!!!!!!

Your probably all are wondering about the heels or boots. I looked everywhere for Black just below the  knee heeled boots. I found about 10 pair I liked at DSW but none were my size. I went to famous footwear I found a pair but they didn't fit right. Shoe carnival didn't have anything I liked. I gave up its been extremely cold lately so I decided I will for sure have a new pair for next time. 

Playing with hats. I look like a lion Rarrrrrrrrrr!!!

Egh! Its ok.

round 5 chemo outfit!!!!

Hope everyone is staying warm!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Holiday Cheer!

It is the holiday season with families gathering all over the world to share food, drink, love and more. I wish I loved this time of year and loved the cheer that goes along with it. However, since my diagnosis, I have been more cautious about the cheer that I partake in.

I gave up sugar substitutes and all forms of corn syrup immediately after I was diagnosed and have stuck with that. This makes some of the holiday gatherings more challenging, but doesn't really bother me to not partake in the cookies, candy and pies. (OK, in full disclosure, I do drool over the Starbucks counter looking at the Cranberry Bliss bars which are only available this time of year and I definitely take a second glance at my mother-in-law's goodies!)

I have never been much of a drinker, only drinking in social situations, but I have dropped that completely. I haven't had any alcohol at all since June. Well one a few weeks ago, I couldn't even finish it.  Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a martini or a good glass of wine just as much as anyone else, it just isn't worth the increased risk of a recurrence for me.

Now there is a new study out connecting alcohol consumption with breast cancer recurrences. Studies are only studies and I know scientists can read whatever they would like into them, but this one says that with women who have already been diagnosed with breast cancer that drinking can increase their chances of a recurrence significantly. Since I have been doing everything I can to decrease my chances of a recurrence, I think I will be finding more joy in family and friends and maybe a little less in a glass.

I will make an exception on the alcohol when I throw myself my big Chemo is over party!!!! I think I'm allowed.